Some days I can't believe how many highs and lows I go through. One minute elated and the next feeling so low and demotivated. Am I really feeling like this or is it just my body reacting? But reacting to what? A person, a conversation I didn't like or want, an event that has happened and why do I have to continue on this roller coaster of highs and lows? Well after some soul searching, I've decided that I don't although I probably will for now as that is how I have programmed myself to be over the past 40 plus years. But in reality nothing can change the way you feel.  No event can change the way you feel of make you feel happy or sad, relieved or excited. Feelings are our bodies and mind's way of telling us there is a choice to make.  Something is happening and now is the time to make a decision. No singular event can change our mood but how we react to the event can. So I have started  to question my feelings, I know - that may sound cynical if not a little schizophrenic. But it's the bodies way of giving you feedback. And with this, you can do with it what you want.
So for the next time someone pi**es me off, rather than it bring down my day, I will take on board that the person I am talking to has not very nice things to say but be relieved that I am not bitter like them and get on with my day.
The next time, I am carved up on the road because someone thinks they deserve to own the road more or get to where they are going quicker than me, I will be thankful of my safety and hope they get where they need to go safely.
The next time someone tries to belittle me or talk over the top, I will try and bite my tongue but feel a little sorry for them that they feel they have to do this to make them feel better in themselves and remind myself that who I am and what I have are both OK and that I am entitled to an opinion.  This is what makes me me.
There will of course be days where events rock the inner foundations of your world and it will be hard to not have an immediate reaction. The pain of losing a loved one or a change so great you are left lost for a while.  In these times, I will embrace my tears and accept this is the way to heal my pain while trying to remember as many happy thoughts as I can muster to allow me to keep moving forward.
However today is a quiet day, I have probably only had about ten feelings since waking several hours ago, gloom, sadness, anticipation, worry, relief, happiness, proud, excited, amused, content....and with this feedback that my body and mind are giving me, I think I'll choose a middle of the road approach. Today I accept I will feel things and today I am feeling just fine.

I felt like I had been punched in my stomach and couldn't rationalise my fear. I am what most would consider a capable person.  I run my own business, I can conduct an important business meeting and have been known to participate in spontaneous fun such as sky diving and jumping off snow tipped mountains. But the prospect of having to get into my car and drive a 'virgin' journey, one not known to me and potentially have to join a motorway completely filled me with fear and anxiety.  But I knew I had to do it.  I wanted to make this journey but equally I could have found a thousand reasons why not to and easily accepted help but if I was going to be true to myself,  the truth was that I had to do it, it would do me good, it would help me grow, it would make me a better version of myself, but how?

As I often do, I turned to the benefits of ASMR (Autonomous sensory meridian response). This in itself slows my anxiety down.  I can actually feel my heart slow down along with the steadying of my breathing. It gives me focus and clarity to see what the problem is but allows me to start to rationally break it up into smaller bite size pieces. I can see clearly what is actually worrying me and what I am not worried about and start to dissect it. Each piece that is worrying me, I bring in closer, make peace with it, find solutions, gain knowledge and in turn befriend. Maybe it will never become my best friend but I can't have it as my enemy.  It hurts me too much. And by having the knowledge or the solution it gives me just that little bit more, a push perhaps in the right direction to start believing in myself that I can do it.  Once I have this, I try to make it matter less - so what if I take a wrong turning, so what if the journey takes a bit longer, so what if I get lost. It will be fine. I will be fine.

Now after doing the journey a couple of times, I can't tell you how proud I felt of myself and do with each journey.  It still makes me anxious but now I have one foot in the ring and I'm ready for the fight.  This fear will not beat me, it may often try to and it certainly is a mighty opponent but a fight can't stay a fight if it's with a friend. And I'm happy to raise my hand and say I have a new acquaintance in my life, not quite a friend yet but one that I have enjoyed spending time with.

If you too suffer with anxiety, I highly recommend that you explore the ASMR community.  There are lots of videos on You Tube, with my favourite artist being Gentle Whispering. I also have a site that you are always welcome to come and follow if you click on the ONE WOMAN SERIES link at the top. x