We are all often guilty of missing life while we are planning our lives. With our short term, medium and long term goals, lists and planners. But something happened last year, in the middle of our plans that stopped us in our tracks. Yes, I'm talking about the dreadful Covid. I know with myself, I was working hard and in the stages of making new decisions to take me further down my wish lists of where I would like to be, doing what I would like to do and with those I wanted to share this with.  I thought I had time, I thought I was doing as well as I could be, trying to do my best. Then life suddenly turned into a game of musical chairs - the music stopped and we were all left at that point. No way to go back, no way to move forward.  We just had to sit and be grateful we had a chair. 
Like many who have built up businesses that have taken years, everything came to a sudden halt. What cards you had dealt yourself to get you to that point was all that we would have to use to try and carve out a way forward. For me and many others, it was a time of shock then reflection. I could almost here my 'sat-nav' of life say to me "You have arrived." But I hadn't, I had been abruptly stopped in my tracks and found myself on quicksand.
But like quicksand we have had to tread this year carefully, taking just small steps, the right decisions at the right time, taking our time to get it right.  Often asking for help has fallen on deaf ears.  Maybe that's how it has to be for now, as everyone is on their own new paths wrapped up in uncertainty and the unknown. This junction has forced us to look deep within. So this may not be where we planned to be but this is where we are supposed to be for whatever reason. What we have to do is keeping looking and remembering what we have learned from the past and certainly the last 12 months and how that can help us into the months ahead. Remind ourselves that maybe planning our lives is more about planning today, the now. Finding joy in the small things, the big things, the everything. A joyous day was not my long term plan, but if I can find it, I will be grateful that 'I have arrived'.

I like to believe that everything happens for a reason. Even though some times and some days we have to dig a little deeper to understand what lesson is being taught us. I have always tried to follow my own journey and endeavoured to do the best I can in whatever I do.  Sometimes putting unnecessary stress on myself to reach that unobtainable podium of perfection. Over time realizing that just doing my best should be good enough.
At a time when there is so much uncertainty, clarity seems to have found me. Not every day, but it's there.
Maybe at times when the control that you thought you had, leaves you. When all that you have been working for suddenly comes to a stand still. Your immediate goals that you had worked so hard for and believed in every day that were the foundations of your being suddenly evaporate, they are simply taken off the table - you are left in the unknown, like a clean sheet of paper, ready to be rewritten.
Year on year, battle after battle the target was always in sight, the journey of how to reach it was set out with a solid plan to secure what I thought was my security, my success and my happiness only to find myself on another path that even in just a few months has probably shown me riches that I would most likely have missed if my path had not been forced to change.
I have stopped and began to look and listen again. Not just look but really look at what is around me. Just when I thought I was losing everything I seemed to have found so much more, and I feel grateful. 
I have the gift of time to appreciate things more, the simplest things, the really most beautiful things. While my life has changed the world does carry on and it doesn't seem to judge me like I judged myself. The seasons are coming and going with all that they bring to share that I probably missed for too long. I can suddenly hear the song of the birds and the secrets of the trees and look at views that inspire. I have looked at myself and allowed me to be me. Asked myself if I am happy and what do I want? and embraced this crossroads as an opportunity to do more things I enjoy.
I still work hard but it feels like it is more on my terms. I create more, I explore more, I day dream more and I like this new feeling. And with so much uncertainty, one certainty to come clear is love.
I love my husband that bit more, I love our life that bit more, I love the time we have now and our tomorrows to plan together.  I love my daughter with all my heart and my family too and the kindness of friends around us.
I don't know what is ahead and for now I will not overly worry, as today is all we have and I am thankful for being reminded of that and all that it offers. With each new day, I will continue to breathe in and out, feel the flow of life around me and as such I will feel secure and recognise that as a success and take comfort that happiness is not something you can look for but simply decide upon. 

I have found myself all week police-ing myself. That inner voice on a loop reminding me what I should be doing, what I need to be doing with very little regard to want I want to be doing. I'm an advocate of silencing that gremlin in our minds but sometimes it's like you have an officer by your side, moving you along onto the never ending line of jobs and duties. On a bus that keeps going past your stop.  You know you can get off but for some reason you just keep on going.  As a result you end up more stressed, more miserable and probably not doing your best work as your head is fried.
Your short with others around you and most likely being incredibly unsympathetic and mean to yourself.  You wouldn't speak to anyone else that way but some days we are just vile to ourselves. We feel it's us against the world but in reality it's just us against ourselves.  The unrealistic time limits and work loads that we place on ourselves. Putting everything and others so often before our own happiness. Of course, I love doing things for others but some days and we all do it, we just turn into a machine. But even machines need some maintenance if they aren't looked after. 
I found myself today preparing lunch after a busy morning and before I could sit and eat it, I noticed some crumbs on the floor by a radiator along with a cobweb. I could have left it until after lunch but oh no! I had to get the hoover out, then a spray as once I got stuck in I noticed other bits.  As I was doing this and my lunch getting cold, I told myself how ridiculous I was being.  It could have waited or even been left but no, I just couldn't relax and have lunch until the world was how it should be, and that was just for some crumbs! I set my own constraints around my happiness, freedom and hunger. No one was forcing me. I was in a battle with myself and I knew I had to win. Win? What does it even matter. So for the next few days, I am going to remind myself to be kind to myself.  I am going to set my bail at 1 pence, pay it and free myself from this jail I sometimes put myself into and If I'm on the bus I'm going to ring that bell and get off!... the merry go round of life. After all happiness should not be a goal but something you hold close to you whenever you want.

I read once with dismay a comment that was posted about one of my books that suggested I was feeling sorry for myself, in fact to be precise they called it self indulgent twaddle. Of course everyone is entitled to their own opinion but I was saddened that they saw just what they read and not the bigger picture. We all have our own stories to tell. Some that others can laugh along with, others we may cry too and many that we want or need to relate to. Sometimes just by sharing something it helps someone else realise that they are not alone in feeling that way and even sometimes find a source of comfort. It's really liberating to get your feelings and thoughts down on paper or screen as it is so often now.  It helps you to go through the emotions, see what you are addressing and sometimes really admit that these feelings are real. Stories that have shaped you to be the person you are today.  The good days and the god damn awful days, weeks, months all play a part and I think it's no bad thing to share these with whoever wants to read them.  We are all guilty of scouring the website at some point or social media and magazines hoping to find that nugget of knowledge or something we completely relate to make us a better person, more rounded, more knowledgeable, happier. 
So if I want to write about my anxieties, phobias in a light hearted way or more seriously and those dark days that have previously weighed heavily over me, I will - but what I really hope is that someone will see the light within my words to know what they are feeling is OK, that they are not abnormal or weird. That their anxieties are not only justified but that there are answers and ways to make you feel better. And importantly to know that there are genuine people that will listen and not judge. And for those amongst us feeling they are alone and in the dark, they do become lighter. Not every day always but to hold onto hope and to know there is a friend out there that also is probably going through exactly the same and knows how you are feeling. So together let's #share&grow. 

Some days I can't believe how many highs and lows I go through. One minute elated and the next feeling so low and demotivated. Am I really feeling like this or is it just my body reacting? But reacting to what? A person, a conversation I didn't like or want, an event that has happened and why do I have to continue on this roller coaster of highs and lows? Well after some soul searching, I've decided that I don't although I probably will for now as that is how I have programmed myself to be over the past 40 plus years. But in reality nothing can change the way you feel.  No event can change the way you feel of make you feel happy or sad, relieved or excited. Feelings are our bodies and mind's way of telling us there is a choice to make.  Something is happening and now is the time to make a decision. No singular event can change our mood but how we react to the event can. So I have started  to question my feelings, I know - that may sound cynical if not a little schizophrenic. But it's the bodies way of giving you feedback. And with this, you can do with it what you want.
So for the next time someone pi**es me off, rather than it bring down my day, I will take on board that the person I am talking to has not very nice things to say but be relieved that I am not bitter like them and get on with my day.
The next time, I am carved up on the road because someone thinks they deserve to own the road more or get to where they are going quicker than me, I will be thankful of my safety and hope they get where they need to go safely.
The next time someone tries to belittle me or talk over the top, I will try and bite my tongue but feel a little sorry for them that they feel they have to do this to make them feel better in themselves and remind myself that who I am and what I have are both OK and that I am entitled to an opinion.  This is what makes me me.
There will of course be days where events rock the inner foundations of your world and it will be hard to not have an immediate reaction. The pain of losing a loved one or a change so great you are left lost for a while.  In these times, I will embrace my tears and accept this is the way to heal my pain while trying to remember as many happy thoughts as I can muster to allow me to keep moving forward.
However today is a quiet day, I have probably only had about ten feelings since waking several hours ago, gloom, sadness, anticipation, worry, relief, happiness, proud, excited, amused, content....and with this feedback that my body and mind are giving me, I think I'll choose a middle of the road approach. Today I accept I will feel things and today I am feeling just fine.

I felt like I had been punched in my stomach and couldn't rationalise my fear. I am what most would consider a capable person.  I run my own business, I can conduct an important business meeting and have been known to participate in spontaneous fun such as sky diving and jumping off snow tipped mountains. But the prospect of having to get into my car and drive a 'virgin' journey, one not known to me and potentially have to join a motorway completely filled me with fear and anxiety.  But I knew I had to do it.  I wanted to make this journey but equally I could have found a thousand reasons why not to and easily accepted help but if I was going to be true to myself,  the truth was that I had to do it, it would do me good, it would help me grow, it would make me a better version of myself, but how?

As I often do, I turned to the benefits of ASMR (Autonomous sensory meridian response). This in itself slows my anxiety down.  I can actually feel my heart slow down along with the steadying of my breathing. It gives me focus and clarity to see what the problem is but allows me to start to rationally break it up into smaller bite size pieces. I can see clearly what is actually worrying me and what I am not worried about and start to dissect it. Each piece that is worrying me, I bring in closer, make peace with it, find solutions, gain knowledge and in turn befriend. Maybe it will never become my best friend but I can't have it as my enemy.  It hurts me too much. And by having the knowledge or the solution it gives me just that little bit more, a push perhaps in the right direction to start believing in myself that I can do it.  Once I have this, I try to make it matter less - so what if I take a wrong turning, so what if the journey takes a bit longer, so what if I get lost. It will be fine. I will be fine.

Now after doing the journey a couple of times, I can't tell you how proud I felt of myself and do with each journey.  It still makes me anxious but now I have one foot in the ring and I'm ready for the fight.  This fear will not beat me, it may often try to and it certainly is a mighty opponent but a fight can't stay a fight if it's with a friend. And I'm happy to raise my hand and say I have a new acquaintance in my life, not quite a friend yet but one that I have enjoyed spending time with.

If you too suffer with anxiety, I highly recommend that you explore the ASMR community.  There are lots of videos on You Tube, with my favourite artist being Gentle Whispering. I also have a site that you are always welcome to come and follow if you click on the ONE WOMAN SERIES link at the top. x

I felt him close behind me.  He had been walking around the office, his eyes fixed on me, questions broken up by moments of silence. Sizing me up and circling me like a shark around it’s prey. I could feel his breath close to me as he leaned in to place the papers back onto the desk. 
“What makes you think you can pull this off?” he asked slowly walking back to the other side of the desk and settling into his executive leather chair.  I thought about his question for a moment, especially the words ‘pull this off’? Christ! I wasn’t proposing to pull off a bank job this coming Saturday afternoon, I just needed to some bloody funding to start a business venture that I felt truly passionate about and had already shown him that I had done my research and certainly had enough experience and enthusiasm but was he really even listening? It seemed an appropriate time to tell him what he probably wanted to hear.
“I believe Mr. Parker, that with my experience, my commitment to seeing this through and your knowledge and support, now is the time to make it happen.  I know it’s going to be tough but I’m ready for that.”
He gently rocked back in his chair and picked up the telephone, “Can you hold my calls, thank you.”
I shuffled my not so executive chair in a little further to get a better footing for what looked like further negotiations. 
“Sorry, would you like a coffee?” he swiftly added in before returning his focus back on to the papers in front of him. I shook my head politely and continued to harbour the point home,“ I have a substantial amount to invest further to what I have already invested into this both financially and emotionally.  This is not something that I have thought about lightly and the time that I have already taken up with this and what I propose shows that this is a genuine opportunity for both of us.” I sat back pleased that I had pressed on, but was it going to be enough?
“I can see that you have given this a great deal of thought and certainly your proposal and presentation has been most impressive and if I’m honest I am very tempted.  I think this could be great for both parties and I certainly see exciting times ahead, but we have strict guidelines that I must adhere to and their are a few points that unfortunately you fall short on, however…”
I couldn’t help myself and interrupted, “Fall short on?” I pushed my chair back and calmly walked over to the other side of the desk and moved his papers over to the left a little and perched against it. “ I can assure you Mr. Parker, I have never fallen short of anything and do not intend to start now,” and placed my hand on his arm.  I could feel his eyes all over me and as he stood up he gently brushed my hair back over my shoulder and softly kissed my neck and whispered, “You don’t have to tell me Mrs. Parker, you still drive me crazy and tempted I definitely am.” 
“Crazy enough, for your bank to lend me this money? I may be your wife but you know what I want and I won’t stop until I get it.”
“That’s what I’m hoping for.” He replied moving in for a lingering kiss and as tempting as it would be to give in to his desires across his desk, I looked into his eyes, which were eyes that I could easily get lost in, dark and haunting but composed myself enough to stand back up and brush myself down.
“I have plans to make, this is going to happen Mr. Parker with or without your bank, but thank you for this most enlightening afternoon, to run my proposal past you but I think I have this.”
“One way or another, if I know you, I know you do. Dinner out tonight?”
“No, bring something in with you and we can continue these negotiations where we left off.”
He sat back in his chair and smiled warmly.
God, I love that man.

Isn't it funny how seeds of doubt grow so much quicker than our seeds of success. Well they will I guess if we trample all over our happiness and our dreams, keep rooting them them up and putting them somewhere else to flourish, only to pour hot water over them again.  As apposed to our little seeds of doubt that we carefully sow, one at a time, making sure that we haven't missed anything out. We then take the time to worry about them and even check on a regular basis that they are still there.

Let's stop nourishing our little seeds of doubt and instead sow some big seeds of belief.  Let's sow them and nourish them and give our beliefs what they need to grow big and strong.  Enable yourself to stand back and be proud of what you have achieved.  If one of the self doubt seeds gets blown in the direction of your dreams, simply carefully place a 'self doubt' pellet down and stop it in it's tracks. Take the power back and don't allow anything to get in the way of your happiness, your success, being your best.  Stop the self doubt, stop the comparisons and be proud of your own authenticity.

You are unique and that is both something special and something to get very excited about and doubt plays no part in your day.  It's a waste of your energy and your time, and both are important commodities.  So respect yourself, respect the time you have and do today what makes you happy.  Have a Fantastic day!

January can be both inspiring but also torturing and ultimately demoralising.  Is it really realistic to stop eating forever? Or stop eating treats forever? And god forbid the thought, stop drinking forever??? Can we really stick to the same new gym routine forever when there are so many tempting distractions or should we just learn to balance it all out.
Good days and bad days will be for life as will how we feel, with highs and lows, so it seems sensible that we should find food and exercise and a lifestyle that is also flexible and works with us rather than against us, making us feel like failures.
In my books I have touched on anxiety and depression but equally have rejoiced in my successes! Even if some of my successes are simply making better choices!
Take a moment today, to think about what will really make you happy?

• Freeing yourself from people validating you?
• Finding practical advice on how to make better life decisions.
• Not eliminating alcohol from your diet but finding a healthier attitude towards boozing.
• Stop being so hard on yourself, it's O.K to be you and unique as you are.
• Find some exercise or as I like to call it, simply moving more, that you actually enjoy! Then find something else, mix it up and have some fun!
• By being kinder to yourself with relaxing more, your body will appreciate it and start to work more efficiently.
• Stress holds onto fat, so find ways to ease the pressure, for me, it's ASMR.  A natural tool to massage your senses and reset your body's sat nav.  There are plenty on You Tube or follow mine www.youtube.com/channel/UCbC2ddF-m70Gx3JUMBK-OPA 

We all have only this one life, so why waste it doing anything that we don't enjoy.  Stop giving a shit about things that don't matter and start giving a shit about YOU.  Find a balance that suits you not just in January but for the rest of the year and beyond! 
www.amazon.co.uk/Sambuca-Queen-Club-Finding-BALANCE-ebook/dp/B07888JKF8/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1516235413&sr=1-1&keywords=SAMBUCA+QUEEN