I have found myself all week police-ing myself. That inner voice on a loop reminding me what I should be doing, what I need to be doing with very little regard to want I want to be doing. I'm an advocate of silencing that gremlin in our minds but sometimes it's like you have an officer by your side, moving you along onto the never ending line of jobs and duties. On a bus that keeps going past your stop.  You know you can get off but for some reason you just keep on going.  As a result you end up more stressed, more miserable and probably not doing your best work as your head is fried.
Your short with others around you and most likely being incredibly unsympathetic and mean to yourself.  You wouldn't speak to anyone else that way but some days we are just vile to ourselves. We feel it's us against the world but in reality it's just us against ourselves.  The unrealistic time limits and work loads that we place on ourselves. Putting everything and others so often before our own happiness. Of course, I love doing things for others but some days and we all do it, we just turn into a machine. But even machines need some maintenance if they aren't looked after. 
I found myself today preparing lunch after a busy morning and before I could sit and eat it, I noticed some crumbs on the floor by a radiator along with a cobweb. I could have left it until after lunch but oh no! I had to get the hoover out, then a spray as once I got stuck in I noticed other bits.  As I was doing this and my lunch getting cold, I told myself how ridiculous I was being.  It could have waited or even been left but no, I just couldn't relax and have lunch until the world was how it should be, and that was just for some crumbs! I set my own constraints around my happiness, freedom and hunger. No one was forcing me. I was in a battle with myself and I knew I had to win. Win? What does it even matter. So for the next few days, I am going to remind myself to be kind to myself.  I am going to set my bail at 1 pence, pay it and free myself from this jail I sometimes put myself into and If I'm on the bus I'm going to ring that bell and get off!... the merry go round of life. After all happiness should not be a goal but something you hold close to you whenever you want.

I read once with dismay a comment that was posted about one of my books that suggested I was feeling sorry for myself, in fact to be precise they called it self indulgent twaddle. Of course everyone is entitled to their own opinion but I was saddened that they saw just what they read and not the bigger picture. We all have our own stories to tell. Some that others can laugh along with, others we may cry too and many that we want or need to relate to. Sometimes just by sharing something it helps someone else realise that they are not alone in feeling that way and even sometimes find a source of comfort. It's really liberating to get your feelings and thoughts down on paper or screen as it is so often now.  It helps you to go through the emotions, see what you are addressing and sometimes really admit that these feelings are real. Stories that have shaped you to be the person you are today.  The good days and the god damn awful days, weeks, months all play a part and I think it's no bad thing to share these with whoever wants to read them.  We are all guilty of scouring the website at some point or social media and magazines hoping to find that nugget of knowledge or something we completely relate to make us a better person, more rounded, more knowledgeable, happier. 
So if I want to write about my anxieties, phobias in a light hearted way or more seriously and those dark days that have previously weighed heavily over me, I will - but what I really hope is that someone will see the light within my words to know what they are feeling is OK, that they are not abnormal or weird. That their anxieties are not only justified but that there are answers and ways to make you feel better. And importantly to know that there are genuine people that will listen and not judge. And for those amongst us feeling they are alone and in the dark, they do become lighter. Not every day always but to hold onto hope and to know there is a friend out there that also is probably going through exactly the same and knows how you are feeling. So together let's #share&grow.